Ana threw
the bouquet of roses into the green dust-bin sitting at the pavement. She knew
that nobody would notice her kicking it in the coal darkness of the night but
just stomped away.
As soon as
she reached her apartment, she called up Nina.
“Nina, I broke
up with William.”
“What? Why”
Nina said loudly in her shrill voice.
“I felt
empty with him. He did not complete me. I just realized that. I tried to make
him understand but he just got angrier and angrier. He said I played with him.
I initiated the break up because I did not want to play with him. I wanted him
to know the truth.”
“Ana, Ana,
Ana.”
“Yes?”
“You did the
right thing, just listen to some music and rest.”
Ana wore her
favorite pyjamas with the dandelions on them, a strapped black blouse and sat
in her couch sulking. She looked beautiful as the moonlight fell on her dark
and lustrous eyes; her olive oil colored skin; and dark long hair. She did not
want to feel guilty yet that familiar feeling slowly crept through her stomach
like the territories of a river that it divides into at its mouth.
Ana tried
hard not to feel uptight the next week and the next. She tried to concentrate
on her job; she joined singing classes to learn something different; she tried
to make new dishes but the guilt would not abandon her.
One evening,
while she was in the kitchen and making cake popsicles, her phone rang. She
brightened up as it was Nina. She wiped her hand on her green apron and heard
it.
“Hi Ana, I
have good news for you.”
“What is it?”
“There is a
guy…”
“You need to
stop there Nina.” And Ana hung up.
William had
been enough of a disappointment for Ana. His last words to her:“Nobody will
ever be able to fulfill you” were stinging at her. She put the spatula away;
covered her face with her hands and sat on the stool. She felt bitterly lonely.
The life of distractions she was building for herself was not helping her at
all.
She took out
the phone from the pocket of her jeans and called Nina back.
“Who is this
guy?”
“That is my
girl, Ana. I love you. I met him in my office. His name is Joe.He has just
joined as the manager. He is tall with broad shoulders and hazel eyes. He is
very organized and goal-oriented. All women die for him. I think you will like
him. Meet him once, will you?”
“Alright.
Please arrange for a meeting.”
“See you in
the evening?”
“Sure.”
After days,
Ana finally smiled. She was looking forward to unchain the fetters of emptiness
that tied her. She wanted to break free and here was another chance.
She wore a
black short dress to meet Joe and Nina. Ana was stuck by his mannerism and
speech. She enjoyed being with him throughout the evening. There were times
when his gaze met hers and he would wink and smile at her. Nina left early
leaving the two of them by themselves.
Ana and Joe
decided to walk by the lake together. It was getting darker. Ana smiled at him
and Joe looked at her amused.
“So, what do
you want from me? A cure for your loneliness? An escape from your self-hatred?”
Ana looked
at him aghast.
“How can say
that to me?”
“Well! I am
a reader of characters and you interest me keenly.”
Having heard
these words from the mouth of a man she had barely known, she felt her anger
rising. She walked away and decided to never speak to him again.
Ritually, as
soon as she reached home, she rang up Nina. However, she got no response.
“An escape
from my self-hatred; was that all? Do I hate myself?”
She lay down
thinking on her bed for some time. Tears welled up from the corners of her
eyes. Had she been living her entire life wearing a garb of deception? She cried
a little more.
She walked
up to her wardrobe took out a blue coffee mug. It reminded her of her little
brother whom she had seen fall off the balcony. She was twelve. She had shouted
for help frantically but nothing could have been done. She had blamed herself for
it since then. It was true, she thought that she loathed herself. But was it
justice to herself to have borne the burden of it even sixteen years later?
-Kriti Malhotra
